"Best In Singapore & Johor... Some Say Batam"
"Best In Singapore & Johor... Some Say Batam"
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[ No. 0031 ]
A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn`t moved for more than half an hour.
Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards
him through the line of stranded vehicles.
"Hey son, what`s the hold up?" the guy asked.
"It`s some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He`s lying in the middle of the road
and he`s doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself.
We`re taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?"
"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired.
"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."
[ No. 0032 ]
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
[ No. 0033 ]
The Stage Is Set
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is
going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down
from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
[ No. 0034 ]
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who quickly comes over.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up through his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. Is there anything *I* can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continueshuskily, pushing a couple of fingers into his mouth, which he sucks gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
[ No. 0035 ]
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field.
The next day the kids showed up and they see the sign, which says:
"Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids leave, make up their own sign, and post it next to the farmer's sign.
The farmer shows up the next day and is happy to see that no watermelons are missing. Then he sees the new sign, which reads:
"Now two of them are."
[ No. 0036 ]
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
[ No. 0037 ]
A man walked into a bar and immediately called out, "Who is the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?" A man replied, "It's mine. Why do you ask?"
The first man walked up to him and said, "I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog."
The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, "Are you kidding me?! That dog is huge! He's bigger than my car!"
The first guy explained, "Well, he choked on my Chihuahua.
[ No. 0038 ]
A man frantically calls 911 and says, "help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart".
911: "is this her first child?".
Man: "Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband".
[ No. 0039 ]
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two metres tall!"
[ No. 0030 ]
Where is God
There were once two incorrigible brothers, aged approximately 6 and 8 years old. One day, their Mama threw up her hands and gave up on them. She just didn't know WHAT to do with the boys anymore to get them to behave. So the minister of the church across the street said "Let me talk to them. Send them over one at a time, and I'll see what I can do."
So she sent the eldest boy across the street to see the minister. He was a huge man, with a stern, craggy old face and a booming voice. "Sit down, son," he said, gesturing to a chair. The boy sat down. And for the next five minutes, the minister just GLARED at the child. Not a word was spoken. Just looking at the minister was terrifying! His eyes burned holes through the young boy.
And all of a sudden, the minister pointed a finger at the child and asked, "Where.....is GOD?" The child got wide-eyed, and gripped the arms of the chair. His whole body began to tremble. And the minister's voice boomed out the question a second time. "SON, WHERE....IS....GOD?"
The boy bolted from his chair, out of the minister's office, and ran full speed all the way home. He practically ran THROUGH the front door. He ran through the living room, up the stairs, down the hall, and into his room, where his younger brother was waiting for his turn to talk to the minister.
He had a look of absolute terror on his face. His younger brother saw this plainly, and wanted to know "Pierre, what's the matter!"
The elder brother replied, "We're in real trouble! God is missing, and they think WE done it!"
