"Best In Singapore & Johor... Some Say Batam"
"Best In Singapore & Johor... Some Say Batam"
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[ No. 0021 ]
Jesus Visits Bar
An Australian, and Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. A man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"
The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge, "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guiness from me."
The bartender pours Jesus a Guiness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks. The Englishman then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says 'Yes, I am Jesus". The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of stout for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure. Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guiness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle!!!" Jesus then shakes the Englishman's hand, thanking him for the stout. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock "By jove, the migraine! the migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!" Jesus then goes to approach the Australian who says "Back off mate! I'm on Worker's Comp." !!
[ No. 0022 ]
Three Catholic women and an older Jewish lady were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third old woman says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
As the little old Jewish lady sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says: "My son is 6'5"; he has broad, square shoulders, lean hips and is very muscular; he's terribly handsome, has beautiful hair, dresses very well and always smells wonderful.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh, my God...'.
[ No. 0023 ]
A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said, "Thanks. What did you tell him?"
The minister replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
[ No. 0024 ]
A local business was looking for a secretary. They put a sign in the window: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He stared at the receptionist, wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist buzzed the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog seemed determined, so she lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at her She said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page,trotted back over to the manager, gave it to her, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, and went to the computer. He proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database. When he presented them to the manager, she was totally dumbfounded. She looked at him and said, "I realize that you are very intelligent and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job - you're just a dog." The dog jumped down, went over to a copy of the sign, and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you must be bilingual."
The dog looked her straight in the eye and said, " Meow."
[ No. 0025 ]
Seeing-Eye Dog
There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got ogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This s my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
[ No. 0026 ]
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
[ No. 0027 ]
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!
[ No. 0028 ]
Letter of Recommendation
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.SD
Project Leader
-------------------------------------------------------------------A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the alternative lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13 for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
SD
[ No. 0029 ]
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."
[ No. 0030 ]
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
A. Tell her a joke on Monday.
