"Best In Singapore & Johor... Some Say Batam"
"Best In Singapore & Johor... Some Say Batam"
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[ No. 0001 ]
Good news? Bad news?
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, John went swimming and got into difficulties. David jumped in and saved him.
The medical director came to know os this heroic act.
Doctor:
We have good news for you and also bad news for you David. The good news is we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses since you are able to jump and save another patient.The bad news is the patientwhom you had saved was found hanging in the toilet.
David:
Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I'm sure of that because I hang him there to dry.
[ No. 0002 ]
Drinking Problems
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought it was worth trying.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
[ No. 0003 ]
So this lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out ... caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. "HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
[ No. 0004 ]
Company Ground Rules
1.SICKNESS
No excuse. We no longer accept doctor's statements as proof of illness, as we believe that if you're well enough to get to some doctor's office, you're well enough to get to YOUR office!2.OPERATIONS
Not allowed. We discourage any thoughts you may have about needing some foolish operation. As long as you are employed here, you need all of everything you've got and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are now. To have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.3.RESTROOM PRIVILEGES
Still okay, but too much time is being spent in the restroom. Beginning immediately, we will all go to the restroom in alphabetical order. Those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 a.m. to 8:05 a.m., "B" will go from 8:05 to 8:10 a.m., etc. If you miss your assigned time, just wait until tomorrow.4.DEATH
Acceptable excuse, but please give two weeks notice, so you can train someone to do your job.
[ No. 0005 ]
A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replies.. "My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.
That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon !"
[ No. 0006 ]
A businessman and his secretary are overcome by passion, and the exec convinces his paramour to retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, and won't bother us."
The pair are necking in the business man's bedroom, when the secretary gasps, "We got to stop now! I'm not using any birth control"
"No problem," he replies. "I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm."
He immediately begins rooting around in the bathroom. After a half hour, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me "
[ No. 0007 ]
Greetings, fellow investor:
If you are anything like me, you are always looking for sound opportunities for investment -- opportunities to invest small amounts and make BIG returns.
I've done some market research, and have found an investment that could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of money with very little investment.
A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosille, Mexico. It is our purpose to start rather small, with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year; skins can be sold for about 20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents for the black. This will give us 12 million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3 million a year. This really averages out to $10 thousand a day - excluding Sundays and holidays.
A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take 663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day.
Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If we start with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat each day. The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this that this business is a clean operation -- self-supporting and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats and we will get the skins.
Let me know if you are interested; as you can imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get into this, and want the fewest investors possible.
Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a year! This would save the labor costs of skinning as well as give us two skins for one cat.
May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity?
Sincerely,
CatManThe CatMan
[ No. 0008 ]
A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing coming from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
He said, "Remember, 20 years ago, when I got you pregnant?"
He continued, "And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
[ No. 0009 ]
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said,"Nah, cats can't do the ironing."
Finally the owner suggests a centipede,"This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.
Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.
15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!!!"
[ No. 0010 ]
A brunette goes into a doctor's office:
Brunette: Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Doctor: Well, tell me your symptoms.
Brunette: Well, everything hurts. When I touch my nose it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg), when I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere!
Doctor (after looking at her for a second): Did you used to be a blonde?
Brunette: Why yes!
Doctor: Your finger's broken.
